Everyone's Talking! No One is Listening!

Image by Gerd Altmann from Pixabay

I sat in a counseling session with both husband and wife shouting and talking over each other. Finally, I had to speak up, “Everybody is talking! No one is listening!”

The couple sat momentarily in stunned silence. Then we resumed a move civilized conversation.

Actually, I don't know how many times I have said something like that during marriage counseling. Hurt, angry, passionate, offended people tend to focus like laser beams on getting their point across. When we’re in that mode, if the other person speaks, we may as well have our fingers stuck in our ears. We’re not listening. We’re rehearsing what we are going to say next.

Isn’t that what is happening politically and culturally in the United States right now?  Is anybody listening? Or are we all talking over each other?

God called the church to show a different way in the world. We should be the marriage counselors, not one of the angry shouting partners.

Perhaps there is something for us to learn from a group like Braver Angels (formerly known as Better Angels). They’re literally using marriage counseling methods to help bridge political divides.

I feel concerned that many of Christians allow political and other passions to get in the way of showing love. And after all, Jesus told us, “This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other.” (John 13:35 The Message)

The Building Church Leaders Newsletter recently (November 6, 2020) reported on “Purple Churches”: those with considerable numbers of red and blue voters. Those members don’t necessarily argue but they also don’t necessarily model a loving community:

As Daniel Silliman reports, in these kinds of churches, the problem isn’t always open conflict. Pastors say it’s simply that “They part ways. And they sort themselves by political preference.”[i]

Maybe we believe listening to others means we’re agreeing with them, encouraging their beliefs. Simply not true. We can listen and seek to understand without agreeing at all. In fact, when we listen to someone, they will feel heard. And their defenses will likely recede, paving the way for future interactions and sharing.

Hopefully, you know I am not arguing against participating in political processes nor discouraging passionate engagement in right and just causes. Not at all.

However, the Bible gives us straight-forward directions about our interactions with others, even those with whom we disagree: love them, pray for them, and yes, listen to them. This is especially true for our brothers and sisters in Christ!

I think the Braver Angels organization makes a wonderful example of applied emotional intelligence. I’d like to think that in the church we would follow their lead and surpass it. Let’s teach our folks how to communicate like the kind, caring, humble, loving people God has called us to be.

If we do, the church can become a force for reconciliation in a terribly divided culture. Perhaps that is the opportunity before us.

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[i] Building Church Leaders Newsletter, November 6, 2020.

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