5 Simple Strategies to Quickly Defuse Tensions in Any Conflict
The 2008 thriller The Foot Locker followed the story of an explosive ordinance disposal unit – a bomb squad – in Iraq. The lead characters dealt with deadly IEDs on a daily basis.
Although non-lethal, ticking bombs land on every pastor’s or leader’s path from time-to-time. We call them conflicts.
Here’s a reality of “bomb disposal”: your immediate response when confronted with an issue or criticism makes it better or worse.
The Bible seems to agree: A kind answer soothes angry feelings, but harsh words stir them up.
(Proverbs 15:1 CEV)
I try to use the following five strategies when I’m confronted with a conflict. They provide the greatest odds that I can “soothe angry feelings” rather than “stir them up.” Do you use any of these?
1. Realize that you don’t need to have an immediate solution or resolution. Often, people simply want to be heard. Besides that, if a bigger problem lurks behind their complaint, you’re not going to solve it on the spot any way. Take your time. You needn’t have an answer for everything.
However, you can and should check back in later! Don’t assume all is well after some initial discussion or solution. Check back with all parties to hear what they are thinking. Conflict that goes underground will resurface later, only worse! Better to talk about it now. That does not mean you don’t have to solve it now.
2. Understand that your main job is to listen. Listen, ask questions, clarify and attempt to fully understand the problem. That will go a long way toward showing others that you care about them and the problem. Listening reflectively does more to de-escalate conflict than anything else!
Bonus tip: Paraphrase what they are telling you and state it back to them (the problem as they see it, not as you see it). Get it right and they will feel understood. It gives them opportunity to clarify anything you didn’t get quite right. This technique often produces amazing results in calming the situation.
3. Try to identify the underlying concern of the other party. Maybe they feel overlooked or hurt but don’t want to say that. Perhaps they fear upcoming changes or maybe their former pastor simply did things differently than you. People’s stated point or problem (in counseling, we call this the “presenting problem”) may not express their real issue. In fact, they themselves may not even be completely aware of what’s actually bothering them.
When conflict erupts or complaints ensue, that’s the tip of the iceberg. Your job is to determine what the whole iceberg is about, not just the part sticking out of the water, though that’s important too. You can do this through reflective listening (paraphrasing back to ensure your understanding was correct). Ask open ended questions such as “When did you start feeling this way?”
4. Don’t take criticism personally. I know, harder done than said, However, even if it is about you, it’s still just as much or more about them: their perceptions or misconceptions, unrealistic expectations, past wounds, etc. Embracing the old saying ‘rise above it’ serves you best. Plus you’ll feel less stressed and more able to think objectively rather defensively.
5. Tell yourself, “This conflict presents an opportunity for growth.” It is an opportunity to address problems that have been lurking beneath the surface for a long time. An opportunity to clarify expectations and miscommunications. An opportunity to develop greater mutual understanding, better working relationships. An opportunity to demonstrate the care and understanding of Christ. An opportunity to communicate about vision and goals. Try it and see if you are able to approach things in a calmer, more problem-solving manner.
Finally, of course, don’t forget to pray. Solicit prayer from trusted friends and confidantes. Obvious, perhaps, but it is the most essential ingredient.
I once heard of a leader asked into a church conflict to provide mediation. His first step: he set a series of prayer meetings. No talking allowed, just prayer. By the time the prayer meetings were concluded a week later, the problems had resolved themselves. People had talked and forgiven one another with any additional intervention!
So, those strategies help me when unresolved conflict or heavy criticism confronts me. What about you? What ways have you discovered to immediately defuse tensions when conflicts arise?
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