Five Painful Mistakes to Avoid When Conflict Erupts
You’re sitting in your study preparing for the Sunday message when the phone rings. It’s one of your leading members. He wants to stop by right away.
The tone of his voice sounded ominous. Your stomach feels a little queasy.
Surely enough, when he arrives, he calls to your attention a problem in the church, a conflict that you didn’t anticipate.
Something like this ever happen to you? If not yet, it probably will sometime in the future!
When conflict lands in front of you like a ticking bomb, remember that what you do with that initial conversation is critical. You will either de-escalate the conflict and potentially problem-solve or inadvertently escalate it into a much bigger problem!
You will want to avoid a few common reactions listed below. These five painful mistakes almost guarantee you will agitate the problem right off the bat!
Fire off the first thing that comes into your mind before you’ve fully heard the complaint. Cut them off mid-sentence. Assume you know what they’re going to say. Don’t hear them out. Ouch!
Fail to ask questions to further understand the problem. Ok, so maybe you don’t cut them off. Maybe you do hear them out. It’s still not time to launch into a full-scale defense of yourself. What about asking some questions to make sure you understand the person’s true concerns?
Assume the complaint, criticism or conflict is a personal attack on you. Do that and you will move immediately into a defensive posture. The fight is on! Someone’s going to get hurt.
Focus solely on proving why you are right and they are wrong. Their complaint may not be justified. (On the other hand, is there any chance, however small, that it is?) Either way, there’s little chance you’re going to convince them you’re right and a great chance that you’re going to make things worse!
Assume all is well if you successfully shut the other party down and they stop talking or drop the subject. You may think you’ve won the battle and perhaps you have for the moment. Likely, though, you’ve just managed to set-up for a much larger fight down the road. Buried conflict grows until it resurfaces in a worse form.
Ok, I’m sure we’ve all made those mistakes at times. Or maybe it’s just me? It is so easy it is to slip into a defensive mode. Especially when caught off guard!
Unfortunately, “proving your point” forces the other party to choose between two options: turn up the heat and volume on the conflict or stop talking all together.
You have alternatives: use reflective listening and ask questions in a genuine effort to understand the reasons they’re upset. Your best tactic at this point is to convince them that you understand what they are telling you.
You may be surprised how much better things will turn out.
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