Christmas and Estrangement
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These may be the two most contradictory images ever:
Christmas, the embodiment of reconciliation – the Christ child born to reconcile us all to God. Images and memories of warm, happy events, gift-giving, and coming together with family flood our minds.
Estrangement. Families completely broken off from one another. Cold, utter silence. The pain of total disconnection, rejection, and severing of ties.
This Christmas my heart is broken by the reality that this contradiction is hard reality in the lives of so many.
My heart breaks for those in my counseling room who are experiencing intense psychic pain due to family estrangement this Christmas.
The sounds, images, and talk about happy family get-togethers prompt an unstoppable pain for estranged people, especially those who did not choose it.
Parents grieve the loss of adult children who will not speak to them. And the grandchildren who can’t be seen or contacted.
Siblings fall out and cut the Christmas celebrations. They refuse to be in the same space together.
There are the children who grow up not hearing from a parent each Christmas.
And the list goes on. I am hearing the stories of pain this Christmas season.
The misery goes on all year round but is greatly intensified at Christmas. Many wish Christmas could hurry up and be over.
Hearing stories of family get-togethers brings a wince as they say nothing and try to exit the conversation. Hearing news from other friends or family about the estranged party get-togethers also deepens the pain.
According to studies conducted by Cornell University researcher Karl Pillemer in 2020, approximately 27% of adults over 18 report experiencing family estrangement, meaning they have cut off contact with a family member.
Of the more than 1,300 people Pillemer surveyed, 10% reported being estranged from a parent or child, 8% from a sibling and 9% from extended family members including cousins, aunts and uncles, grandparents, nieces and nephews. Pillemar estimates that 65 million Americans experience such rifts.
I want to raise awareness about the number of people experiencing estrangement all around us this Christmas.
And I am praying for God’s peace and love to help and comfort all those experiencing estrangement this Christmas. Will you join me?
Please let me know what is in your heart to pray for this Christmas.
For more information Check out Pillemer’s book Fault Lines: Fractured Families and How to Mend Them. You may also be interested in Joshua Coleman’s book Rules of Estrangement: Why Adult Children Cut Ties and How to Heal the Conflict.
Get your copy today!