Do You Want to Know What I Think?
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Sometimes people want your advice but other times, frankly, they just want you to listen.
I personally relate to the guy in a humorous YouTube video “It’s Not About the Nail”. He struggles to simply listen to his wife complain about her headaches when he can clearly see that she has a nail in her forehead!
He wants to fix the problem but she tells him, “It’s not about the nail”! She wants him to just listen.
In fact, I am learning to ask my wife, Brenda, “Do you want to know what I think, or just want me to listen?”
You’ve heard of selective hearing. Let’s talk about selective speaking.
Helping Others When We are Ready
King Solomon shares great insight into relationships:
Do not rebuke a mocker or he will hate you; rebuke a wise man and he will love you. Instruct a wise man and he will be wiser still; teach a righteous man and he will add to his learning. (Proverbs 9:8-9 NIV)
When Solomon refers to a mocker, he uses a strong word that could refer to someone who scorns advice. However, this could also refer more subtly to someone who wants us to listen and understand rather than “fix” them.
Stop and think about how much the Son of God would have had to share with His disciples! Immanuel – God with us – showed incredible self-control by providing input in manageable doses. Jesus asked hundreds of questions to draw people out and get them thinking.
The Lord was continually watching and listening for people’s openness. He would not always speak plainly, but He would sometimes veil His points with parables and wait to see who would press in for more clarity. What a brilliant way to sort through those who would listen and obey and those who would not!
The next time we are about to express our opinions, let’s stop and ask ourselves, “Am I saying this for my benefit or the other person’s benefit?”
Helping Others When They are Ready
Watch and listen for “teachable moments” in those we influence. Are people really asking for our input? Do we get the sense they are prepared to make some adjustments or are they looking for people to agree with them?
I am learning to draw people’s purposes out (Proverbs 20:5) by asking more open-ended questions and fewer closed-ended questions which call for a yes or no answer.
Are we frustrated when someone isn’t listening to our advice? Frustration signals a blocked goal. If our goal is to say what the Lord wants us to say when He wants us to say it and to leave the results with Him, then we and our relationships will have more peace and less conflict.
The next time we are ready to give advice, let’s stop and ask ourselves, “Does this person really want to know what I think?”
We want to help others not just when we are ready but when they are ready. Choosing the right opportunities to speak up can make or break our relationships.
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Allan Pole pastors New Beginnings Church International of Calgary (https://www.nbccalgary.com) and leads Cooperative ESL Ministries (https://eslcooperative.ca). He has a Doctor of Ministry from Fuller Theological Seminary. Allan and his wife, Brenda, live near Calgary, Alberta, Canada and have two married children and two grandchildren.
I asked my friend and “Alpha Team” member Pastor Allan Pole to contribute a guest article. It is so good!
p,s, The 1-minute YouTube video he references is insightful and funny. You may want to take a look,
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