Eliminate these Seven Negative Words If You Want More Power with People
Anybody ever hurt your feelings? Say something to you that just – well, made you mad, ticked you off, or insulted you?
Maybe it was a small thing and you never even let them know. Still, it probably slightly affected your relationship with that person.
Last week, I shared five persuasive phrases that you can use to build better relationships and lead more effectively.
This week, I’d like to offer you the other side of a similar coin: seven negative words better left unsaid if you want more power with people.
Context is everything, of course. I don’t mean you never use these seven words in any situation at all. However, in the context of leading people, these words will almost never help you become more persuasive and influential.
#1. Should. As you probably know, I work as a counselor by profession and have done so twenty plus years. I have a dozen opportunities every work day to tell someone what they should do (or should have done.)
“You should be on time.”
“You should stop worrying so much.”
“You should pray about it.”
In most cases, folks already know what they should do or should have done. Should sounds a lot like moralizing which rarely if ever helps. Instead, honor people’s responsibility for their own choices and try replacing “should” with “could” or some other phrase.
“I’d like it if you worked on being on time.”
“You could work on not worrying so much.”
“Can I join you in praying about it?”
#2. Always. “You always take me for granted,” she said. “Well, you always look for the negative,” he replied.
In the context of arguments (particularly with a spouse), we sometimes use exaggerated generalizations. He always takes her for granted? Really, always? Or perhaps sometimes? Maybe just this particular time?
And she always looks for the negative? Every single time? Maybe, but more likely not.
Exaggerated generalizations escalate conflicts. Speak as specifically and accurately as you can if you absolutely must comment on another person’s behavior. For example:
“You forgot my birthday again. That makes me feel like you’re taking me for granted.”
#3. Never. Another common exaggerated generalization. You paint a dark and hopeless picture of a person with “never”.
“You never try to see my side,” for example, suggests a person who is unfair to their core. Same suggestion as with “always”: instead, be specific about the situation that is bothering you now.
#4. Actually. Actually, I shouldn’t have to tell you not to use this word. Actually, you should already know better. Actually, doesn’t that all sound just a smidgen condescending? (I threw “should” in there, too, for good measure.)
I believe the following may express the same idea more effectively: you could eliminate ‘actually’ from your conversation because it sometimes has the unintended consequence of belittling the other person.
#5. Just. “Just” and its good friend “only” also (like “actually”) introduce a subtle note of condescension into your statement. They imply a certain lack of education (or experience or sophistication) in the person to whom you are speaking. “You just need to trust God,” for example.
“Wow, people shouldn’t be so overly sensitive,” you may think. I happen to believe leaders should strive to excel as master communicators, though.
So, you could immediately eliminate those five words from most of your conversations and if you do, you will develop more persuasive power with people.
However, I promised seven negative words. These final two aren’t about words you use with others, but words you say to yourself.
#6. Can’t. I talk to clients about this word all the time. Plus, I constantly work on it myself!
“I can’t control myself.”
“I can’t overcome anxiety.”
“I can’t forgive the person who betrayed me.”
Those phrases deny your self-efficacy and contradict the promise of Scripture that “I can do all things through Christ.” Banish “can’t” from your life! It may true that something is particularly difficult for you. If so, it’s ok to say that.
“It will be difficult for me to break off this relationship.”
“It will take a lot of work for me to overcome anxiety.”
“It will be a challenge for me to forgive the person who betrayed me.”
However, don’t all those phrases put the situation in a very different light than “I can’t”?
#7. Stupid (Ugly, Fat, Failure, etc...) Don’t use negative words to build a picture of yourself! You may have made a dumb decision. You may currently find your weight more than you wish. Maybe you did fail at some task or goal. But that’s not your identity!
And if you say to yourself, “I am stupid” or “I am a failure”, identity is exactly what you are creating.
God’s identity for you never expresses itself in negative, ugly terms. To Jesus, you are perhaps broken but also beautiful.
So here’s my challenge: what about working this week on eliminating one negative word from your vocabulary? The exercise of paying attention to the nuances of speaking to people will help build your awareness of self and others and ultimately increase your power with people!
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